Motherhood

I try to suppress my mixed feelings of depression, excitement and anxiety for the past 5 months. I think its time for me to express them in my blog.

I am pregnant.

1st Month

I still can recall my first month. I was really terrified, petrified, depressed and felt hopeless! I started wondering how I will look like 9 months down the road. The more I think about it, the more I feel depressed.

Questions keeps surfacing in my mind,

What will happen to my waistline?
Can I still wear my favorite skinny jeans?
Will my face be bloated?
Will I have pimples?
The worst of all, I think I will be overweight as the months go by.

2nd Month

I found myself a gynae through some recommendation at KK, The Private Suite. Many friends of ours wondered why we opted for KK, cause, they knew that we are ‘brand conscious’ and would probably choose Mount E or some other private hospitals. Somehow, our mentality changes. We want the best for our baby. And yes, KK being the most well-equipped government hospital is our only choice, we don’t care about hospitals marketing gimmicks such as candle-light dinner after delivery, or sweet-talking gynaes. We just want a well-equipped hospital for our baby. Suddenly, both Kevin and I thought, “Have our mentalities started to change?”

During the 2nd month, I was still very much depressed and lost. Seeing a slight change in my waistline is enough to drive me crazy and extreme diet plans started to emerge in my mind. But for the sake of the little one in my stomach, I have to abolish the thoughts of dieting and continue to see my body changes. No one will understand the kind of pain, to watch something happen and nothing can be done. I became more stabilized when I went for my ultrasound scanning.

First scanning, I saw my baby’s heart beating. I told myself, I have to be strong to go through the whole 9 months, because the beating heart tells me that my baby really wants to come into this world, and I should not have other thoughts about not wanting it. Second scanning, I was more determined to keep it. The head and body are forming.

3rd Month and counting…

First trimester was a breeze to me, slight weight gain (barely 1.5kg) and no morning sickness. I considered myself lucky to not have MS. I started shopping for infant clothing from GAP and looking out for loose clothing to hide my bump from friends, colleagues and relatives. Even my family members know about my pregnancy during the 3rd month after the down syndrome test.

During my first detailed scan, gynae told me my baby is going to be a boy. I was happy. Actually I preferred having a boy, and Kevin has no preference. I preferred having a boy. Don’t know why, I just think that younger sister should be protected by an elder brother.

Currently, in my 2nd Trimester - 5th mth(going to 3rd Trimester soon) I recalled and thought I was really selfish to think that way (during my first 2 months). I did not even think of how I can I be a good mother or what I should eat to make sure the baby is having enough nutrition (since I started out pregnancy underweight).

Now, I am still learning to overcome my fear of delivery. Still keeping track of my weight, I try to eat healthier food and ignore my cravings, however, diet is a no-no now. I am very excited about the delivery and hope that July will come faster, so I will pop and get back to my diet and exercise routines. I just can’t wait to see my baby boy. I often joked with Kevin saying that I hope that our baby will not have his big nose and single-eyelid. Kekeke… evil Cel is back in action.

As for motherhood, I think I should be more or less prepared. I don’t know. We shall see.